Slo' Mo', Yo.

Still smarting from last week's email group comment from A., I found myself going up some stairs at work, and asking (maybe for the first time in a very long time: honestly)- so what the hell am I?

J. made mention of how someone we both know just "just kind of wound down as a personality and went on robotically 'til IT happened". Going over Judi Rhodes' You Are A Loser. Wow, it took this long to even admit to where Judi was coming from...I've also been corresponding with Tim/fewtch/Omkaradatta. Here's an excerpt:

C: So, once one gets a glimpse of the grasping, the broken record, the over-and-over, does it just lose steam, lose interest, lose momentum?

O: It can "feel like" either way, really. Since there is no "me" outside of this momentum, no *separate* me, it's the same in both cases. Either "it" loses steam, or I do. I am the "it".

Here's Judi:

So you see, any of your efforts to try to "appease" this character, like meditation to "calm" it, or to see "visions", to have "no thoughts", or whatever, is nonsense. Because the "character", the "you" that is trying to "accomplish" all this whatever?? -- IS the problem itself!

The problem is me. Goddamn.

Ever sat by yourself, nothing to do, nothing to grasp onto, and you have no more means of turning your head away from that crappy feeling of dread that you're always trying to ignore? Yeah, you know what Judi means then. You may not know that you know, but... you know.

The problem is me. But that doesn't mean what it used to (i.e., self-flagellation - another way to feel more there, more alive).

Continuing to do the daily stuff. A bit more convinced of the necessity of taking a mental inventory of beliefs and habitual stances. 
Reading Art's synopsis of Benoit's "Supreme Doctrine". Watched a bit of Jeff Foster trying to explain to some old folks that their lifelong search for meaning IS THE PROBLEM ITSELF.

From Art's Benoit commentary:

Abstract self

Our inner conflict really heats up around puberty, when our psychosomatic organism, or body-mind, forms an intellectual ability to see things from someone else's point of view. We begin to realize, at least at odd moments, that we're not the prime mover and beneficiary of the universe.

This abstract self has an intuition of being divine, or having a divine essence, but the constant evidence assailing us contradicts this intuitive feeling. We see that we're not omniscient, not unchanging, etc.

The abstract self alias The Saint, and the instinctive self (see above) alias The Sinner, with their incompatible world views, come into immediate and ongoing conflict in their struggle for who's going to get the upper hand. Imbalances between these two sides of us result in the creation of materialists and idealists (see below).

The materialist

When our abstract self is weak and the animal self strong, we become convinced that the threatening not-self can be neutralized over time, by accumulating material wealth and thus building a moat of security. The abstract self's existential doubts are suppressed, and the materialist lives a relatively smooth life.

The Idealist

When the abstract self rides high and the animal self low, the idealist comes into being. He has to squelch the animal side of himself, because admitting its existence implies the existence of the not-self, and the abstract self knows that a confrontation with the not-self cannot be won. Therefore he lives with his head in the clouds.

Compensations

The very nature of our inner, personal world is a system of images from our memory arranged according to our individual psychosomatic structures into compensations. These compensations keep us from feeling that we're not the center of the universe, by structuring a universe in our mind that is centered on us.

What do these compensations compensate for? Our illusory belief that we're separated from Reality....

And later...

Pretenses

The cause of our distress is never in the outside world, according to Benoit. As our projections, or pretenses, are dashed against the wall of reality, we experience humiliation. This comes in the form of loss of pride, dignity or self-respect. How can this occur? Only because our self-image is faulty.

The pretense of The Saint (the abstract self) goes something like this: he projects an idealized image of himself onto the imaginary screen we view in our mind (the only place we actually "see"), and he falls in love with this image, the Ego, as Narcissus fell in love with his image reflected in the pool of water. This projected Angel pretends ignorance of its animal self and escapes into dreams.

The Sinner (the emotional self), on the other hand, projects a divine image onto some aspect of the outer world -- another person, a just cause, a personalized god, an ideal -- identifying with and falling in love with that projected image. Unfortunately the projected image often doesn't go along with this pretense, and rejection occurs.

Benoit offers the hope that when we no longer pretend, nothing will ever injure us again.

Just understand. Don't judge. Just say it like it is.

Trying to help people, reaching out. Trying to be everyone's friend. Positive feelings for people turn into negative feelings upon hint of rejection. Daydreaming of what I would say to those who threatened me in any fashion.  Daydreaming of how I would bring enlightenment and healing to those familiar to me once I become enlightened. This idealized me that is so special -oh, so special- that it doesn't even exist! But if you take away this idealized me, you take away this constant playback of unbearable pasts and possible futures. And, if you take away that, then all that's playing is one thought, then another thought, then another... Not much of a "me" left, is there?