Reacting again. But, whatever.

Food-obsessed, sex-obsessed, running to distractions every possible chance. Previous attempts at correcting or replacing behaviors have been, and continue to be, very energy-intensive and results-poor (at best). No way of providing reality checks with any assurance of reliability or even accuracy. The basic stance is, I want to be satisfied, right now, with no effort on my own part. There's not one original thought going on. The utterly overwhelming majority of insights have been triggered by reading someone else's writing. Except, of course, for the insights gained when I have been completely destroyed by some twist of circumstance and my image of how things should be (everything's OK) is so far from what is, that the suffering becomes unbearable enough to shut down the monologue through sheer brute force. And this is the only way that I remember that a way out has been available or possible -- only when there is a serious defeat or breakdown. And that shit is disheartening and sobering at the same time.

Wyatt was kind enough to turn me on the Bob F.'s work online -- in particular, a page of his writings. I then passed on the link to someone else that I think is the real deal in terms of sincerity and, you know, the vibe. But, hey, fuck it, let me give this a read, I says. Yeah, I read it all before, but you seeker types know how this reading shit over again and again thing works. Kinda pulled me in. And hey, that same sense of getting the wind knocked out of you but, at the same time, it strikes true and -- guess what -- it just corroborates exactly what deep-down-inside is saying but I just want to keep trying to fool the world into thinking that alls I gotta do is just act or think different.

Square one is getting kinda old.